Beginning The Love Dare

So, I started reading this book the other day called The Love Dare by Stephen & Alex Kendrick.  Here is the synopsis from the back cover:

"The Love Dare is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love.  Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take.  It's time to learn the keys to finding true intimacy and developing a dynamic marriage.  Take the dare!"

The book was published in 2008, but I first learned about it earlier this year while watching the movie "Fireproof" when it was broadcast on the Lifetime channel.  I don't typically watch movies on that channel, but I had heard of the movie (from the TLC show "19 Kids & Counting") and recognized it as I was channel surfing one evening.  It was about half-way through when I came across it, and I have still never actually seen the entire movie.  I did, however, see enough to peek my interest in the book featured in the movie.  I really wanted to know what was in that book!

So, I went online to our town library's web site to see if I couldn't get my hands on a copy.  No luck.  I tried the next closest library in another town.  No luck again.  Next I went to my favorite site for obtaining free books -- Paperback Swap!  It wasn't available, but I put the title on my "wish list" and waited.  That was several months ago.  Last week, I received a notification that the book was on its way to me!

On Tuesday evening I began reading the book.  It is now Saturday, and I have still not gotten past Day 1 (page 5).  I decided that I am going to try and do what the book says and not read ahead.  It has been three days and I still do not feel that I have completed Day 1's assignment.  I decided that for each day, I will not move on to the next Day until I feel I have satisfactorily completed the previous Day's assignment.  Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going, it's going to take about 160 days to get through this book!

Curious about Day 1's assignment?  I'm going to share it here, but I should also say that for this particular dare, I decided not only to do it with my husband but my children as well.  Since I spend ALL day, every day with my children, that's probably why it's taking me a while to get this one checked off my list.

"For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.  If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.  It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

So, in other words, I must be patient and hold my words in.  That is no easy task for me!  Hence, why I'm still working on it four days later....

"The Wedding" vs. the Marriage

There is a big difference between a Wedding and a Marriage.

Why is it that so many people (women, really) get so caught up in the Wedding that they lose sight of the more important thing -- the relationship and the Marriage?  Is it something in our culture?  I wonder if women in other countries spend the time and effort planning the "perfect" wedding that American women do.  And I would love to know how much money women in other countries spend on their weddings, when compared to what women spend here.  Personally, I could never justify spending even half of what the average American bride spends on her wedding.  And notice I said, "her" wedding.  Unfortunately, that seems to be what it's all about -- the bride.  It's HER day.  Well, I say, what about the groom?  Doesn't he have a role other than just to show up and do what he's told?  Doesn't he realize that when he steps aside and allows his bride to take complete control that he is setting a precedent for how things are going to be in the future?  For so many men, this is, indeed, the direction things go.


The Wedding is just one day.  The Marriage is (supposed to be) for a lifetime.  Wouldn't it make sense to focus at least as much, if not more, time and energy on the partnership rather than on the planning of a "perfect" wedding?  In the end, when all the excitement of the very special day wears off, what will a couple be left with?  Where will they find themselves?  If the relationship was strong to begin with, they may do alright.  If it wasn't, however, keeping up the "appearance" will become increasingly difficult.

A Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.  When one person in the relationship is making all the decisions, when one person is slowly severing the other from his/her family, friends, and what were once favorite past-times, when you see them changing into someone you don't even recognize, what are you supposed to do?  What if you are expected to stand by this couple on their wedding day in support of the union, but in your heart, you have some concerns.......what then?

When it seems as if one person is controlling and manipulating the other, and the other person is allowing him/herself to be controlled and manipulated, it IS concerning.  A relationship that's built on solid ground does not look like this.  It is true that grown adults are capable of making their own decisions.  They are also capable of making their own mistakes.  But I think it's important for couples to realize that you set some very important precedents at the beginning of a relationship -- ones that can remain well into the future.  In a healthy and fulfilling relationship, I think it's very important that BOTH people have an equal share in the decision-making.  If, as a couple, you aren't able to be flexible, to communicate, to negotiate, and to compromise while planning the Wedding, then how in the world are you going to be able to have flexibility, communication, and the ability to compromise in the Marriage?

When you see all of this happening to someone you have known and loved for their entire life -- when you see him/her behaving like a stranger -- someone you don't even know anymore, it is painful and heartbreaking to stand by and watch.  And the all-to-difficult question comes to the forefront......At what point is it acceptable to step in and speak your mind?  Is it ever acceptable?

And if you do, will there be a price to pay?

Freedom Lost?

No matter how much "me" time I manage to carve out of a day, it never feels like enough.  There are times when fulfilling my roles of wife and mother just feels like too much, and I sometimes long to get those "good old days" back -- the days when I lived alone, before I became a mother, before I had to worry about anyone else's needs but my own.  And it's not because I am unhappy in my life now or that I wish I could do things over and change my life.  It's not because I don't love my husband and children.  It has nothing to do with those things, but it has everything to do with a loss of freedom.

I miss the freedom I once enjoyed.  Back in the days when I lived alone, I had the freedom to do pretty much what I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to bother with anyone else's needs or agenda.  I could decide to go shopping at 2:00 in the afternoon and not come home until 10:00pm, picking up dinner at a drive-thru at some point along the way.  Now, on the off-chance that I can even GO shopping by myself, the entire time I am plagued by this nagging feeling that the clock is ticking.  And I have to say, this feeling has ruined many an outing for me.  All the while in the back of my mind thoughts are floating around -- I need to make this quick -- I need to get back soon -- My husband is probably wondering when I'll be back.  Mind you, he RARELY calls me on my cell phone while I'm out, and he typically doesn't ask "what took you so long?" when I return -- even though I know he is sometimes thinking it.

I also don't have the freedom to be alone whenever I want.  When I lived alone there were times I would come home from school on Friday afternoon and not leave the house again until Monday morning when it was time to go back to work.  I know some people might think that sounds crazy, but I have to admit that it's true.  I guess, for me, the way I mentally and emotionally recharge is by spending time alone -- away from noise, distractions, and, yes, people.  What did I do with all that time alone, you ask?  Didn't I get bored?  My answer is, absolutely not!  I've always had a talent for self-entertainment, so-to-speak.  I would read books and magazines, watch t.v., quilt, mow the lawn, do some gardening, or work on home improvement projects.  There was always something to do to fill the time.  What a luxury it was to wake up in the morning and decide how I wanted to spend my day!

"Home" from 2001 - 2007

Of course, life wasn't always fun and games back then.  Sometimes I had homework to do -- either from a grad class or from school, and that did put a damper on things.  Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't all sunshine and daisies back then.  Were the "good old days" really as good as I remember?  The mind is a tricky thing.  It's true that I did have a lot more time to myself back then; but there were also times when I was deeply lonely and depressed.  I did have a lot of freedom to choose what, when, and how I did things.  But, at the end of the day, except for the company of a psychologically disturbed mutt, I was on my own -- on my own to do pretty much everything, which included paying for and maintaining a home.  I would be lying if I said it was not overwhelming at times.  If not for the emotional support of a few close friends, I don't know how I would have managed to get through that period of my life.

I guess we all have a tendency to remember things the way we want to -- the "rose-colored glasses syndrom" I suppose.  I loved having so much time to myself, but I was missing something back then too.

My Husband and Me (shortly after we met in 2005)

That "something" was the unconditional love and support of a life partner -- my wonderful husband.  Now, I no longer face the world alone.  He is my partner, my support, and my true love.  When he came into my life the darkness and despair I felt were lifted.  I felt happiness and joy in my life again -- and a different kind of freedom that comes from feeling loved -- and safe -- and secure.  From him, I learned what true love really is -- and I learned that I was worthy of it.

It's true that becoming a wife, and now a mother, has cost me some of the freedom I used to enjoy -- but not ALL of it.  I still have SOME time to myself, thanks to daytime naps and a husband that understands my need for "alone" time.  And although these brief moments never feel like enough, I know that I wouldn't trade my life now for anything more.  For I know this state of being is not permanent, and that as my children grow and become more independent, I will regain more and more of that freedom I have lost.  I am now blessed with an incredible husband, two beautiful and healthy children, good food to eat, and a home in which to enjoy our lives together.  And, really, what more could I ask for?

"My Family" October, 2010