12 Secrets Real Moms Know

12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know:  Getting Back to Basics and Raising Happy Kids by Michele Borba, Ed.D.

I just finished reading this book today, and I think it is definitely a book worth sharing here.

The author begins the book by discussing what some of the problems are facing today's mothers.....

"Many moms today are suffering from what can only be described as a kind of frenzy -- an abnormally high level of busyness, tension, stress, speediness, anxiety, heightened awareness, and even panic.  Many moms can't get enough sleep; they can never keep up or do enough for their kids and are feeling guilty and inadequate about it.  They're overwhelmed trying to be Supermom, to fulfill the expectations placed on them.  They overcompensate by taking on more and more until you might as well admit that they're in a state of Motherhood Mania.....And is Motherhood Mania worth it?  Is it worth all the time and energy and money we're spending?  Do our kids really benefit from all these splendid extracurricular activities and stimulating experiences?"

According to author, Michele Borba, the answer is a resounding "No"....."All our obsessive and hyper mothering is not helping our kids become happy and mature young adults and may in fact be doing them more harm than good."

So, you may be wondering, what are the 12 simple secrets?

Although there is a good chance the 12 secrets may be nothing new to many parents, Michele Borba points out that many mothers today have forgotten these simple truths about parenting.  She urges all mothers to get back to what really matters and gives practical advice, activities, tips, and further reading suggestions to help you do it.

"12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know"

1. A mother who loves teaches worth.
2. A mother who is firm and fair gives her children a moral code to live by
3. A mother who listens shows her children they matter.
4. A mother who is a good role model gives her children an example worth copying.
5. A mother who teaches values inspires character.
6. A mother who supports her children's strengths builds their confidence.
7. A mother who encourages independence cultivates self-reliance.
8. A mother who applauds effort nurtures perseverance.
9. A mother who accepts her children's shortcomings nurtures resilience.
10. A mother who takes time for her children helps them build strong relationships.
11. A mother who laughs teaches joy.
12. A mother who takes care of herself holds together her happy family.

 As a mother, I find that I am continually a "work in progress."  I find it helpful to have a list like this I can refer to when things get tough.  Most of all, it helps me to stay focused on what is REALLY important.

What Do Children Need?

Today I thought I would share an excerpt from an article written by family psychologist and child-rearing expert John Rosemond:

Children need compassion for the fact that they are inclined, by nature, to choose anti-social behavior over pro-social behavior. That is why they need corrective discipline from compassionate, loving, respectful adults. Until such discipline is delivered and begins to "stick," it can accurately be said that children truly "can't help it" when they misbehave; they were "born that way."

Children require genuine, affirming love because they are incapable of putting themselves in proper perspective; therefore, they are incapable of "loving" themselves in a healthy fashion. A child's self-love is very likely to fuel tyranny. Only compassionate, loving adults are capable of responding properly to this inclination, which defines the so-called "terrible twos."

Children need adults in their lives who have tremendous respect for their needs and equal amounts of compassion for the fact that they don't know what their needs are. Furthermore, children rarely want what they truly need. It is the responsibility of adults who respect a child's potential for creative adulthood to give children all of what they need and little of what they simply want.

What are their needs then? Here's a short, but far from comprehensive, list:

Children need to be contributing members of their families. Therefore, they need to be assigned daily household chores for which they are not paid. Why not paid? After all, adults get paid for working! Yes, but we do not get paid for cooking meals, cleaning bathrooms and vacuuming floors, and neither should children. This is the stuff of membership in a family.

In addition, chores help instill a service ethic, without which democracy cannot survive. Have you ever stopped to consider why charities do not thrive in socialist countries?

Children need adults who allow their brains to grow and develop naturally without much interference from television and other forms of electronic media.

Children need to be told to eat what is on their plates not because it is good for them (although it might be) but because it is rude to refuse to eat something someone, even one of your parents, has spent time and energy preparing for you. This civilized lesson begins at home, at the family table.

Children need adults in their lives who value and promote proper character traits over academic and athletic skills. One of the most important of all character traits is "do your best at all time." It does not matter if you are not as good as someone else in some area. What's important is that you do what you are capable of doing, and no less. In other words, if proper character is the priority, everything else will fall into its proper place

Children need adults who confront them when they misbehave -- adults who calmly communicate that they will not tolerate anti-social behavior, even from a 2-year-old. As your great-grandmother no doubt advised, it is to the advantage of all concerned that misbehavior be "nipped in the bud."

And I think that just about says it all, don't you?

(The previous is excerpted from an article written by family and child psychologist John Rosemond.  The original article in its entirety can be found here.)

A Trip Down Memory Lane

So, the other day my 3 year old son discovered my old dollhouse in the basement: 

Well, that's actually not completely true.  My husband had taken in down from a high shelf in the basement a while back and put it on the floor one day for our son to play with while he was working out.  The house didn't have any of its accessories with it.  Those were packed away separately.  Until a few days ago, our son was just using some of his Fisher Price Little People to play with it whenever he happened to be down there with one of us.  Our basement isn't really finished, but we do have a carpet on the floor and our exercise equipment.  He is typically only down there when one of us wants to exercise and keep an eye on him at the same time.  Our 2 year old daughter is rarely down there, as she isn't quite old enough to keep herself out of trouble yet.

Conflicted Feelings

 The following is an excerpt from the novel Circle of Quilters by Jennifer Chiaverini.  It is one of the books in her Elm Creek Quilts series.  I read all of these books in the summer of 2010.  When I read this passage, I really identified with the character of Karen and how she feels torn between the duties of motherhood and her own wants/desires.  Fortunately, my husband is A LOT more understanding and appreciative than her husband, Nate, is.  But I still felt this passage worth sharing and reading again because it reminds me that I'm not the only stay-at-home mother who sometimes has such conflicting feelings.

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     "I'm sorry, honey."  Nate wrapped her in a hug, and she rested her head on his chest.  "I know you really wanted that job."

     "It's all right," said Karen, and she meant it.  In a way, it was even a relief.  she had no idea how she would have managed working outside the home and raising the boys without driving herself to the brink of exhaustion.

     "But I know how much it meant to you."  Nate hesitated.  "I know you want a paying job so that you can feel like you're doing something important."

     "That's not it."  Karen pulled away and picked up the knife, slicing Lucas's sandwich into squares and Ethan's into triangles, the way they preferred.  "I think that what I do now is important.  Not making sandwiches, but all of it.  What could be more important than raising my two children to be self-confident, compassionate, moral adults?  I just wish other people respected what I do.  I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I wish other people thought that what I do is important."

     "And by 'other people,'" said Nate, "you mean me."

     She set the knife in the sink and tightened the lid on the strawberry jam jar.  "Yes, Nate.  I mean you."

     "I get it, " he said.  "I get it."

     She doubted he did.  If he did get it, if he really understood how she felt -- but how could she expect him to understand when she herself could barely sort out her conflicted feelings?  She loved her children dearly.  They were more precious to her than any job could ever be.  But one moment she felt utterly fulfilled by motherhood, and the next as if she were trapped, spent, finished.  Old and ugly, tired and used up.  She missed feeling special.  She missed that sense of anticipation that everything lay ahead of her, anything was possible, that she could do anything, be anything, be admired and cherished and beloved.  She missed feeling wanted for herself, for the woman she was and not merely the housekeeping chores she performed.  At the same time, she knew that taking care of her children was her duty and her calling and whatever she did or failed to do in the boys' early years would affect them so profoundly that nothing else she ever did would leave such a mark on the world.  She was angry that no one appreciated the importance of the task appointed to her and ashamed that she wished she could escape its drudgery.  She felt both taken for granted and selfish.  She was ashamed that she could not simply enjoy her beautiful sons, children any parent would be grateful to have, and that what seemed to come so naturally to other women was a continuous uphill struggle for her.  She felt like a failure, hopelessly inadequate to a task that was far too important to entrust to anyone else.

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Beautiful Moments

It finally feels like spring is really here.  There's just this change that seems to take place once the outside temperature reaches above 68.  Add a little sunshine, and, for me, it is transformative!  The grass is green, the leaves on the trees are ready to burst, the daffodils are in bloom, and the birds are singing.

Yesterday morning my husband and I took our children for a walk at a nature preserve that we visit frequently.  It's a beautiful place -- with all different types of environments for the kids to be surrounded by and observe.  It is even more magical at this time of year, when we can see the world coming alive again before our very eyes.  And there, for the first time, our children held hands while walking along the path.  Our daughter called out to her big brother "hold hands!" and put her hand in his.  He readily obliged.  How I wished I had my camera to capture that moment forever!

Here are a few pictures of a time when I DID have my camera along with us.  This was back last June (2010).  My, how they've grown since then!

 

Freedom Lost?

No matter how much "me" time I manage to carve out of a day, it never feels like enough.  There are times when fulfilling my roles of wife and mother just feels like too much, and I sometimes long to get those "good old days" back -- the days when I lived alone, before I became a mother, before I had to worry about anyone else's needs but my own.  And it's not because I am unhappy in my life now or that I wish I could do things over and change my life.  It's not because I don't love my husband and children.  It has nothing to do with those things, but it has everything to do with a loss of freedom.

I miss the freedom I once enjoyed.  Back in the days when I lived alone, I had the freedom to do pretty much what I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to bother with anyone else's needs or agenda.  I could decide to go shopping at 2:00 in the afternoon and not come home until 10:00pm, picking up dinner at a drive-thru at some point along the way.  Now, on the off-chance that I can even GO shopping by myself, the entire time I am plagued by this nagging feeling that the clock is ticking.  And I have to say, this feeling has ruined many an outing for me.  All the while in the back of my mind thoughts are floating around -- I need to make this quick -- I need to get back soon -- My husband is probably wondering when I'll be back.  Mind you, he RARELY calls me on my cell phone while I'm out, and he typically doesn't ask "what took you so long?" when I return -- even though I know he is sometimes thinking it.

I also don't have the freedom to be alone whenever I want.  When I lived alone there were times I would come home from school on Friday afternoon and not leave the house again until Monday morning when it was time to go back to work.  I know some people might think that sounds crazy, but I have to admit that it's true.  I guess, for me, the way I mentally and emotionally recharge is by spending time alone -- away from noise, distractions, and, yes, people.  What did I do with all that time alone, you ask?  Didn't I get bored?  My answer is, absolutely not!  I've always had a talent for self-entertainment, so-to-speak.  I would read books and magazines, watch t.v., quilt, mow the lawn, do some gardening, or work on home improvement projects.  There was always something to do to fill the time.  What a luxury it was to wake up in the morning and decide how I wanted to spend my day!

"Home" from 2001 - 2007

Of course, life wasn't always fun and games back then.  Sometimes I had homework to do -- either from a grad class or from school, and that did put a damper on things.  Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't all sunshine and daisies back then.  Were the "good old days" really as good as I remember?  The mind is a tricky thing.  It's true that I did have a lot more time to myself back then; but there were also times when I was deeply lonely and depressed.  I did have a lot of freedom to choose what, when, and how I did things.  But, at the end of the day, except for the company of a psychologically disturbed mutt, I was on my own -- on my own to do pretty much everything, which included paying for and maintaining a home.  I would be lying if I said it was not overwhelming at times.  If not for the emotional support of a few close friends, I don't know how I would have managed to get through that period of my life.

I guess we all have a tendency to remember things the way we want to -- the "rose-colored glasses syndrom" I suppose.  I loved having so much time to myself, but I was missing something back then too.

My Husband and Me (shortly after we met in 2005)

That "something" was the unconditional love and support of a life partner -- my wonderful husband.  Now, I no longer face the world alone.  He is my partner, my support, and my true love.  When he came into my life the darkness and despair I felt were lifted.  I felt happiness and joy in my life again -- and a different kind of freedom that comes from feeling loved -- and safe -- and secure.  From him, I learned what true love really is -- and I learned that I was worthy of it.

It's true that becoming a wife, and now a mother, has cost me some of the freedom I used to enjoy -- but not ALL of it.  I still have SOME time to myself, thanks to daytime naps and a husband that understands my need for "alone" time.  And although these brief moments never feel like enough, I know that I wouldn't trade my life now for anything more.  For I know this state of being is not permanent, and that as my children grow and become more independent, I will regain more and more of that freedom I have lost.  I am now blessed with an incredible husband, two beautiful and healthy children, good food to eat, and a home in which to enjoy our lives together.  And, really, what more could I ask for?

"My Family" October, 2010

Parenting Resolutions

Admittedly, I am a fan of family psychologist John Rosemond and read his weekly column with regularity.  I have read several of his books and attended one of his parenting seminars when he came to Connecticut last fall.  Although I don't always agree with his opinions/advice 100%, I usually find myself mostly in agreement with his parenting philosophy and ideas.  If you are not familiar with him, he is very traditional in his views on families and the rearing of children.  He is a huge advocate of plain old fashioned common sense when it comes to parenting.  I'd like to share here his list of resolutions for parents that I came across at the beginning of the year.

Here is John Rosemond's list of "Resolutions for Parents":

1.  We will not throw expensive "event parties" for our children on their birthdays.  Instead, we will confine all birthday celebrations to our family, including extended family.  We will keep it uncomplicated:  a special dinner of the birthday boy or girl's favorite food, a cake, the obligatory song, and a few simple gifts.  Mostly clothing or other useful things.

2.  We will spend at least as much time helping our children develop good manners as we do helping them get good grades in school, which means we will cut back significantly on the time helping with the latter (in consideration of the fact that good manners, which are expressions of respect for others, will take one further in life than will good grades).  Each week, we will work on one specific social courtesy, such as saying "excuse me" when you walk in front of someone.  Taking two weeks off, that's 50 courtesies a year!

3.  We will show our love for our neighbors by properly disciplining our children, insisting on proper behavior, and reprimanding immediately (even if that means in front of other people) when they behave otherwise, and on those occasions we will also insist they apologize appropriately.